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Five Thoughts That Stop You From Approaching

Statue…

You find yourself each time that you try to approach a woman that you just realize you have not moved an inch towards her. Or you have let your mind convince your body to save itself and not even try to approach her.

There are a ton of reasons why a guy would not approach a girl. We could go into crazy detail why and how each thought process cuts deep into the insecurities you may have…but let us save that for the therapy sessions. Here are FIVE ways you can deal with approach anxiety. Trust, I have had my huge fair share of approach anxiety. Just ask my wonderful colleagues, they had to deal with my crap for a good while.

1. “I am just not good enough…”

This one is a huge reason why guys never take that first step. This obviously stems from insecurities. How do you actually know if you are good enough?

Honestly…you are.

Think about the world and the vast number of people. The chances are at your favor that someone will think you are more than good enough for them. In a way that thought process is a little detrimental to your success in game. Thinking you are not good enough already makes you think you are inferior to everyone.

I have had that feeling. I felt like every woman I could potentially approach was already a fail because that mindset sets you up for failure.

Want to get out of this slump? First: take a hot shower…just kidding, unless you really have not showered yet then yeah…go shower you filthy animal.

ARTICLE: Practice Practice Practice…Go Get Her!

On a serious note…

First off you have to develop a more positive way of thinking about yourself. I would suggest going to your public library or just search online for certain techniques on a positive self talk in your mind. I usually try to look myself in the mirror in the morning and tell myself today will be a good day and that you feel good and you are enough. As cheesy as it sounds, it really works. Now don’t expect this method to be an overnight sensation thing. This is a daily buildup of self esteem. From there you can find positive things to do that will show your mind that you are a great guy who knows how to have fun and be the man.

2. “Damn she is going to just reject me…”

Remember that saying of you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take?(yeah…Wayne Gretzky)  This applies here as well.

The worst that could really happen is that she says no or that she has a boyfriend. Contrary to popular and crazy belief, women will not try to attract negative attention and so they will not usually brush you off in a rude way. Come on now, we are all human.

She will probably already give you a chance if you ACTUALLY approach. Going up to her tells her that you at least have the balls to talk to her. Now from there you just have to wow her with your personality. Sounds easy right? It actually is…after you realize that there is no harm in the process.

Think of it as working out. You pump iron and run hella crazy miles just to what? Get sore. Yes! Get sore and then recover with protein shakes and post workout routines.

Gaming is sort of the same way. You have to repeatedly do the same thing to get better at it. It will also be like developing callouses on your hands, but this will be social callouses so you don’t choke every time you try to approach.

The process is real and it takes work to get to where you want to be. I remember reading some where saying that approaching and talking to women right off the bat of not even being comfortable talking to strangers is like running a marathon without the marathon training before it. You wouldn’t just show up and think you will be leading the pack.

3. “I don’t know what to say!”

Right…

Say “hi,” say “you look super interesting…” SAY ANYTHING!!!!!

It really doesn’t matter UNLESS you try to put her down right away…then you are just a dumb ass.

I had this problem as well and sometimes I still try to use this as an excuse. I usually just tell myself “NO, you know this” and I snap back to a better place.

ARTICLE: Approach Women Anywhere

As long as you are confident with what you say, you will be alright saying anything from “where is the nearest toilet” to “hey you have an awesome shirt, where did you get it?” I could go for days saying what you could say but…that takes out the adventure for you to find out what you like using to open.

4. “Pass, she is not cute enough…”

Really? Come on now…

So this will kind of relate to #2. Basically do not pass up the chance to talk to people. I know a certain someone who will not be mentioned where I head this ALL the time. He would keep trying to pass up chances to talk to women just because he used the excuse that they were not cute enough.

Remember kids…practice practice practice. I would even suggest to expand to talking to everyone you see. Chat up the cashier, makes friends with your butcher, have a friendly conversation with a person at a coffee shop. As long as you get use to talking to strangers and keep the conversation going then this will condition you to not choke or get nervous when you start talking to a girl you really want to talk to.

As you can see this is really not rocket science. I had a problem of organization and knowing the steps I need to take in order to be successful. I am more method oriented than the others in the team so I can’t just think purely on the fly and hope I don’t choke. I will choke. So I usually have stuff ready in my head to say so I don’t look unsure or uncertain.

5. “This is too hard…”

YES IT IS…but if it was so hard then why are other guys doing it as well? Obviously to find someone or to get laid.

Instead of thinking of the negatives of how hard it is and how nervous you feel, think more of the fact that it is actually fun talking and having moments with women.

Imagine a whole night out in Las Vegas and all your lame-ass did was walk around drinking your life away. Not once did you bother talking to ANYONE! I am even including random strangers and the plethora of bums that scatter the streets. How boring would that be?

Now imagine the flip side of that: You show up at Omnia or XS with your buddies and just have fun. You guys start hitting each other and dancing. In the midst of it all you see that hot babe across the way and you two lock eyes. You smile and she smiles back. At that point you think “fuck it!” and head towards her. She looks away and starts to fix her hair…you know it’s on.

“Didn’t I see you at Hash House?!” She looks amazed and puzzled. “Yeah you were there and I wanted to talk to you but you were Ms. Roadrunner over here speeding by hahahha” She laughs and the night continues. For every joke you crack she keeps hitting your arm playfully. You take her to the dance floor and have the time of your life. More liquid courage throughout the night to spice it up and, before you know it, she’s asking YOU where you stayed at and when we can head there. Amazing!

See how different it is to just be social? Granted the process does take work. You cannot be lazy about it or you will not get results. Trust me…I know.

So there it is folks, the excuses I have heard the most that will seriously hinder your chance at getting better. Most of this stuff is very internal and you need to develop some will power to overcome them. It does help to have a good friend remind you here and there and

Get Out There To Capture Her

Do you ever wonder how people fit so much in their schedule? No time to rest, various deadlines, places to be at, places to go; an endless flow of stuff to do. As you read this you wonder as well why the hell am I sitting in front of a screen reading this? Where is my life going?

Don’t worry…it happens to the best of us.

You could have the fear that when you meet a lady and start to talk to her you find that you are grabbing for anything and everything to talk about. Back when you were in school I bet it was super easy to talk to girls because you shared a commonality: you are in the same place doing the same thing griping about the same shitty teachers who you wonder how they got the job.

Now that you are in the real world you find it harder to connect with people. You find that no one really gets your job and most of your friends from college moved away and are having the time of their lives. You are now stuck at home wondering where everyone went and why you are not doing anything about your life.

GET UP. GET GOING.

Wha?! You mean I have to actually get out there and do something? YES.

Remember the times when you would aspire to take over the world and have dreams of swimming with dolphins while researching the tidal patterns of the Pacific? No? Just me?

All jokes aside, if you really want stuff to talk about and have wonderful experiences, you need to take control of your life and get out there. Yes, easier said than done. But imagine again that talk with that girl. The conversation has passed the boring interview phase and now you are wondering what the hell should I let out of your mouth now?

If you had great past experiences(not with the ex) then you could talk about how the best seafood you had was in Thailand and go from there. Maybe you are not a traveler and instead you could talk about the crazy tide pool adventures in Laguna Beach where you found little crabs living beside sea snails. From there you could intrigue her enough for her to want to get to the tide pools with you. Voila, instadate or possible future date.

You may think that you don’t even have enough time to do such great things and experience enough. Do you have time to brush your teeth? Do you have time to jerk one off before showering? Then you have enough time to get your ass off your chair and experience what is out there. The excuse of not having enough time stems from the uncertainty of what to do and how to do what you want to do. The act of giving excuses is WAY easier than actually doing something…trust…I know that all too well.

The one thing you have to keep in mind is to manage your time. We set aside time for family, friends, and most importantly…YOURSELF. Yes, sometimes it is good to have alone time. If recently you have been having TOO much alone time well at least do something with that vast time of solidarity.

Why not change up your reading time to reading at a local park or local beach? Sometimes I take time to just sit at a beach and listen to the waves roll in. You will not believe how soothing and calming it is to just sit there and listen. Sometimes my clear moments are when I am in that state. My mind tends to think a lot and those times are great for that.

I get that some of you may not have access to a beach. We have such a tough life here where we live…like totally…kidding. We have our down times and bad times, don’t worry. We are all human here and the fact that you are still reading this is amazing.

Another suggestion is to join a meetup group like cycling or rock climbing. You will be exposed to new people and find ways to interact with individuals who like similar activities. This is also a nice way to meet women BUT keep in mind that this will be a group you keep returning to. Don’t burn bridges when you haven’t even stepped foot on it.

I know Jeff and I have gone rock climbing and it is a great full body exercise.

Now what happens if you do not have the financial means to do certain activities? Find other activities. I know looking at your local paper or even website for free events that you could go to that are in your city. These are great for finally getting to know who is in your city and what the city has to offer. I know here we have free wine tastings here and there and community outreach programs that you spend the day cleaning up a certain part of the city or help out a local charity. There are also farmer markets and themed days that you could spend half a day at. Since it is spring season, there will be more and more events that you could go to without having to shell out a fortune.

Another great adventure would be to take a mild hike at a local trail. I would suggest bringing someone along whether it be your good buddy or a family member in the slight chance there is an emergency or if someone is following you to do certain evil deeds. That is another way to scope out better date ideas for when you finally meet that special someone or that someone you want to do “special” things with.

If outdoors isn’t your thing then might I suggest going to a local museum? This is a great way to educate yourself with the rich history of the world. This also gives you something to really talk about.

Do we see an ongoing trend here? Whatever you do, have a purpose behind it and time will not be wasted. Yes, we could all be walking aimlessly eating a bag of chips wondering what the hell is wrong, or we could do the same walk admiring the scenery. Who knows, you might even bump into someone you could have a conversation with, and possibly have coffee with right after.

Whatever you do just know that this will make you a better person. You will finally get to see what is out there and not wonder again(unless you are wondering about a future trip) what you could have done or what you could have seen. You will now have a huge bag of stuff to talk about and you be that man who has experienced. You will not look like the chump who sits around and picks their nose over and over to find your nose bleeding. When a girl asks if you have a crazy story you will have a crazy story and be proud of it. Sometimes life is calling for you, you just have to listen and act on it.

Until then, stay classy and fly above the rest.

Steady and Confident Wins

Imagine you are sitting in your favorite spot at the park. The cool and steady breeze is just enough to keep you relaxed. The winds carry the faint aroma of eucalyptus trees and fresh cut grass. The ambient noise of the trees rustling and kids running around playing tag fill your ears just enough to keep you human. The sun casts a warm light on everything with patches of shade for comfort. A faint voice comes to play and you realize that voice is directed to you.

“Excuse me, I am not from here. Can you direct me where I could find the closest coffee shop?”

Her eyes smile at you as she awaits your answer. You stumble to find the right words and feel her warmth fill your stomach up with butterflies. You manage to utter a few filler words as you try to remember where that damn coffee shop was.

“Um, errrr, yeah, just go down this walkway and right at the end is a nice coffee shop that I always go to.”

She smiles at you and hesitate. Your mind yells and slaps you silly trying to get your clouded attention to talk to her.

“Hi my name is Ray.” You extend your hand out. She quickly grabs your hand with her soft palm.

“Hi, I am Lynn!” Her voice eagerly gets through the sentence.

She keeps her hand available to you and the hold stays for longer than friends. You stand and continue on about where she lives and what she does for a living. The normal banter continues and you notice that her legs cross as you both stand while…A BENCH IS RIGHT THERE.

Her hands now dance with her hair as she explains how she moved to your city. You finally muster up these words:

“So, did you want to check out that coffee shop?”

“I thought you would never ask, lets go!”

So you take a stroll to the quaint little cafe that started this whole conversation. You get the door as your father taught you to be that gentleman. She smiles and brushes your shoulder as she steps in.

Your senses get bombarded with the heavy fog of brewing coffee and the sweet aroma of baked goods. You finally let your body relax for a split second while her back is turned towards you.

You let her order and she waits for your order thinking she would pay. You secretly slip the cashier your card and order your drink of choice. Today you decide to get a kick in the face and opt for the cold brew. She is puzzled why she missed the chance to pay. You smile on the inside.

The sun was still out and the breeze was too perfect not to take a seat outside. You slide the chair out for her and she thankfully sits. The conversation continues. The talk gets a bit deeper into personal matters of living situations and life aspirations. You slowly discover that she is slowly making your knees weak and your heart bigger. At the same time she cannot stop playing with her hair and she keeps finding excuses to initiate physical contact.

Before you both know the sun starts to set.

You mention that you have an amazing spot to just watch the sun set and you go off to the nearby pier. There you make the first huge move…you embrace her from behind. You can slightly feel her sink into your arms with trust. Her back fits just like a puzzle piece with your chest. You hold her a little bit tighter. She moves her hands to your arms.

As the sun sets you feel the wind shift to a slight chill. You move your hands to her arms and feel the prickle that comes with goosebumps. As the wind picks up you smell the fresh scent of her hair as she lays her head next to your head. She is basically laying in your arms as you both look in silence. There are no words that could be said and you both knew it.

Your mind races and think: thank you.

ARTICLE: First Date Ideas That Will Help You Get to Know Her

Don’t we all wish it was this easy? You say hi. She says hi. Talk ensues. You find commonalities. Before you know it you are discussing what the color theme should be for each room in your house.

Unfortunately…it is not that easy. Don’t get me wrong, there are certain situations that may seem easy at first. After a while you need to put work into a relationship, or even just keeping a woman interested in you.

Going through what we know and what we have learned in theory, the process will take work. If no one had to work at it, then everyone would have a partner in life and the site would never have been created.

Through my past relationships I have noticed that when I thought I could be comfortable is when the relationship went to…shit.

I was being complacent and I noticed later that she started to lose interest. It was inevitable that we would end.

Now when I say work, it should not be all you. You have your part in the relationship and the interactions, but the female should also contribute. Trust me, I have been in my fair share of one-sided relationships. I felt like I was trying to play chess alone while someone was breathing down my back.

So how would you know if you are actually doing the right thing? Experiment.

The one thing you should not do is keep tabs like it was a 1-for-1 type of deal. If you do this you will GO CRAZY. This is not a game of tennis or basketball. As much as it could be a contest, don’t make it a contest.

ARTICLE: Dating Hurdles and How to Jump Them

As you start this tango of getting to know each other, you have to keep in mind to NOT RUSH ANYTHING. I am serious about this. Unless you are just trying to get a quickie then I highly suggest to take it slow. The only time you would step a bit faster is if you see signs to.

Some signs that she wants to take it further would be if she asks: “What are we?” You now know that she has been thinking about what the dates and spending time means. She has now realized that there is potential and she is liking you more than just a mere friend.

Another sign would be that she finds ways to actually spend time with you. Whether it be just going to the grocery and helping her shop or having a nice walk after a long day, if she sets it up then she has already thought of you and wanted to see you that day.

Avoid the pitfalls of rushing on trying to establish a title. We are so focused on titles it is ridiculous. Yes it would be nice to call her your girlfriend but, in the end, what does the title even mean? If you guys are having quality time, you guys get along, and the dates are constant, then there is no need to rush for a title. Even getting to the title of dating.

Most of trying so hard to get a title stems from insecurities. The fact that you are trying to solidify something is in the desperation of making sure no one can nab her away from you. It is the equivalent of branding cattle.

ARTICLE: Assertiveness: How This Will Make You More Attractive

Would you really want to take a hot iron and touch her skin with it? I don’t think so. So stop forcing the title and just enjoy her company.

Being able to relax and not rush shows you are a confident man who doesn’t need a title to know that you guys are good together. Most of the time the title will also create drama.

So just remember, keep a steady pace and not let your insecurities dictate what you do next. There will be no next time with that lady if you let that happen. There is a SLIGHT chance you recover later on, but why put yourself in that situation?

Until next time, stay classy

The Dating Hurdles and How to Jump Them

How to Know when you Are on the Right Track

You notice and slight glance. A glimmer of light that reflected from her glistening eye catches your eye and the gaze holds. Foot over foot you quickly move before your mind realizes what you are about to do.

You trick the bastard and make your body get closer and closer to her until you are short of an arm’s length away from her.

“Hello…” with hand extended in greeting.

Five seconds…

You feel the warmth of her hand snuggle in your palm.

“Why hello there…” she winks as she slowly analyzes your face.

You strike up a conversation and before you know it…

The first date. Then the second date. Now the third date.

You have gone on the date that determines whether you should go on or bail because you found out her father is an ex-con and found out you are dating his daughter…just kidding.
Not a lot of guys have gotten past even the FIRST date. I will not sugar coat it…

DATING IS NO WALK IN THE PARK…at least for guys.

Imagine the courage and practice it takes to even approach. Now span that out and let it roll over and over and over.

Dating.

Ok maybe I over-exaggerated. Let’s just say the ups and downs of dating is such a roller coaster ride that you have to prepare yourself for ANYTHING. You will be thrown from various highs of newly dating a girl to the lows of wondering what the hell you are doing dating this said girl.

There are a few things to keep in mind while on this crazy journey. I could totally just list everything out and be lame about this, hoping that you will even begin to comprehend what I am saying. Nahhh, I’d rather just explain it in a way that I hope you get. Allons-y, shall we?
So starting off this journey I have noticed that you get into a nice happy phase where everything is new and both you and the girl are into each other. Just peachy.

Neither one of you are trying to push too quick. This first phase is used to get to know each other. So you put your best self forward and know that she will like you. You could be the chump that puts a front, but we do not recommend that.

If all goes well you will have that successful first date. You will be in such a rush that all you could think about is…her. SO you muster up the balls to ask her out on a second date and she agrees.

Second date comes around and now you are more relaxed. You give off a better feeling due to the more relaxed state. The date goes well and you put another notch on your belt.

But wait…she stops responding. You could have sworn she just had the best time of her life. This goes on for days. Days turns into weeks. You start going somewhat crazy and….she finally responds.

Now you could chalk this up to not having enough people to talk to or that you are focusing too much on one girl. Let’s face it that some of you guys out there will date one girl at a time. You cannot focus EVERYTHING on this girl. Yes you like her and she likes you are both of you had great times with each other. The hard part I have faced before is everything between those times.

I have to admit I have had my fair share of meltdowns when they could be avoided. I am talking about the insecurities settling in that you have “lost” the girl or even lost her attention. I say who cares…

Honestly…who cares? I know your mind does and it will hurt. But that is how life is. The person you can control is…wait for it…

Yourself.

Go read a book, have a hobby…go to work!

The more you can fill your life up with stuff to do the better it will be. Imagine if you took up surfing. You would be learning and, when the time comes, you could teach your new dating buddy how to surf as well. See where this leads to? No?

You become a more interesting person. You will be well rounded(not size) and be able to show her that you are not the average Joe Shmoe. Here at Pompous Gentlemen we have made it a point to try something new each month. Last month it was line dancing and country bars. The venue is super fun and great for dancing with females.

You cannot control what the girl feels or how she acts. You must be ready for anything. She might be super busy in her life and that’s why she has not been getting back to you. She might actually be dating other people in which you should do the same.

I have learned the hard way to not assume the dating is something more than getting to know each other. I have jumped steps and think that since she is diggin’ me she is my girlfriend already and that I “have” her. Slow that mind of yours down. It helps to see her perspective without your own judgement. She is doing the same thing you are doing. She is getting to know you and seeing if it is worth the time and effort. So the best way to approach this is:

Have no expectations!

Exactly. If something goes great then you are better than you came in with. If it does not work out then it would be ok because you never expected anything.

Now with not expecting be sure to not just relax too much. You still need to remember to be the best man you can be. You still need to remember to put yourself out there and not worry what people think of you. This is where being true to yourself and not fake a single bone on your body.

There will be other trials out there. Depending on what you go through it could be anything. The key thing to remember is…

HAVE FUN.

Yes have fun. What could be worse than to nitpick on everything and focus on the inner workings when all you could do is have fun and enjoy the process.

I have seen it over and over from Jeff, Panda, and other friends that have had great success in dating. The common thread with all of them was that they had fun. They took the girl on a great adventure even if it was just a walk down a beach boardwalk or a cool exhibit at the local art show.

Until next time, stay classy and fly above the rest.

First Date Ideas That Will Help You Get to Know Her

Coffee.
Soft music.
Chairs.
One table.

Starter pack for a quick date?

DING DING DING!!!!

Quick dates or first dates could be ANYTHING. They should be geared to promote talking and getting to know each other. Guys have been failing at using the dinner/movie combo thinking this will be a nice default.

News flash: Don’t do it.

Unless your name is Panda and you actually have great success with it, don’t do it. There is a secret there…but I’ll let him fill you in on that in another article.

Here is why the typical dinner/movie combo does not really work. The dinner portion is actually not bad at all. Imagine that you and her are facing each other, and the only thing between you and her is air…and food…and a table…ok you get the idea.

Now you actually have time to talk. You might even be able to get her to like you in a span of an hour…nahhhhhh. It COULD happen…but don’t be TOO sure about that. So both of you are stuffing your faces with spaghetti or pizza or a steak that was wayyyyy too much for a first date and now you won’t be able to eat for the next week or so.

ARTICLE: How Eyes Make That Important Connection With Women

So the after dinner coffee comes around and you rush because the next showing of the movie she wants to see is in about 10 minutes. You start rushing your thoughts and words and, before you know it, you are sitting next to her chomping on popcorn and…not talking to her.

Yes, movies can be like this. You could risk it and talk throughout the movie BUT…you are watching a movie.

So you get out of the movie and it is super late and all she wants to do is go home and call it a night because for about two hours you have not done a single thing to evoke her emotions and raise her interest level on you. She did have a great roller coaster of emotions due to the movie…but the movie is not you.

ARTICLE: The First Date Outfit to Get Her Wanting More

So you bring her back to her place and she gives you a nice half hug thanking you for a “great” night. She goes back inside the house and that is the LAST time you see her…ever.

So now that you know to use the dinner/movie on another date when you guys are actually together, let us get to the better dates.

 

Coffee anyone?

You say hi.
She says hi.
You start a conversation and she plays with her hair.

You finally muster up the confidence to ask her for a cup of a delicious black brew. She agrees.

So coffee dates are not bad at all. Think about it. You get at least two cups and maybe a scone or croissant to get to know the girl. You have a great venue to talk and not get interrupted by any loud noises or distractions. Everyone in the coffee house is minding their own business. It is just you and her. You get lost in her eyes. Everyone around you does not exist. It is like you two are the ONLY ones in there.

Sounds like a movie right? Keep on track.

So from the coffee house you could lead it to a bunch of places. You could move onto a nice walk down the beach boardwalk, or a nice walk through the city just enjoying the scenery. No matter what the main part is that you are getting to know her. There are so many chances to take her on an emotional roller coaster. You can show her that you are that cool guy where she can say “where have you been all my life?”

 

Wanna grab a cold one?

So this kind of works only if she is down to have actual alcoholic drinks. Why not have a cool night conversing over a couple of nice adult drinks? Maybe include a few tapas plates and the conversation starts.

The advantage here is that the drinks will loosen both of you guys up to where you and her will be more comfortable to talk freely and not worry about people around you. After that you could take her dancing if you like dancing or you could to a bar hop to change the scenery. Either way it is still up to you to converse and get to know her.

Do you see the trend here?

I don’t want to give too much away from where else you want to take it from here, but get creative and then learn from it.

What I am trying to get to is that you should choose a date where you can get to know the person. Yes, movies are a nice date option and maybe a concert as well, BUT as for first or beginning dates you should keep to times where you can get to know them.

I am not trying to discard a nice date playing mini golf or a nice hike. Actually those are great ideas. Honestly any date will work as long as you are taking control and get to know her.

This goes back to my other article where I talk about taking control and being assertive. The first date you need to be that man.

ARTICLE: Assertiveness: How This Will Make You More Attractive

The rest will fall into place. Just don’t get too relaxed where you don’t do shit on the date. Be in the date. Be present and go with the flow and take her on an awesome adventure. Even if it is only a quick two hour date where you have coffee or tea. Make sure you make the most of the date and have fun.

If there is anything you get out of my ramblings for today it is:

– Be the man.
– Have a date where you can get to know her.
– Take her on the adventure.
– HAVE FUN!

Remember this is all a process. This is part of your foundation. Don’t you want to get past the 1st date hump? This is probably a good low risk way to get to the second date. Yes you can risk it and go all out. The problem is the risk of looking too planned out. Yes, I have gone through the bad first date of planning it out WAY too much where I did not even focus on her. She SHOULD have had a great time, but I was too worried about the next step.

Until next time, stay classy and fly above the rest.